Spring Break Sucks

Rain is rather humiliating when you think about it.

So, I went home this week-long break to escape the torrential downpour… looks like I brought it with me. Seems like I just can't escape it. However I did miss the snow storm in the valley! Guess it's not all bad.

It took a while, but come Wednesday I finally got a few days of fabulous “Cali” weather… man I’m white. It did give me the opportunity to walk my dog in the park and wear a few of my hibernating skirts.

I also got to see a few good friends, go dancing and reminisce on what a social life used to be like.

All this summed up to the realization that I miss my life. I feel like I’m putting everything on hold. My hobbies, my friends, my everything seems to be in a holding pattern waiting for the next 2 ½ months to finish so that I can get back to my real life. What my “real life” is, I have absolutely no idea, and I don’t think that I don’t want to go back to exactly what I was doing before… I need to keep moving forward, but I’m clear that forward isn’t here, isn’t entirely this way... It may be an upcoming fork, but it feels more akin to the winding road that leads to this little valley… I’m trying to head north east and the road keeps zigging and zagging to anywhere but there, and then after what seems like an unbearable amount of time you pop out and can see the view laid out before you.

41 more school days until summer!

I do need to make the best of what I’ve got and after a long chat with a friend, I’m also realizing that much of my negative energy is frustration and stress. I’m still taking three college classes online, combined with the dial-up issues that I’ve been contending with and mid-term season, and I’m bound to be elevated in the stress department. I have parent conferences next week and have absolutely no idea as to what to say to these parents, or if they are even going to show up. And the biggest stressor/frustration is that I’m still without textbooks and I’m feeling very torn.

On one hand, I want to make a difference. Here is that movie making opportunity. I’m up against a steep climb and struggling for EVERY foothold I can find. I am making progress little by little and owe it to these kids to give them all I’ve got.
BUT
On the other hand I’m not sold into this twisted little community, the climb seems too difficult and how much can I really do in four months without much support. How much can I really do? They are still unprepared for high school, or really promotion to the next grade, and I’m not looking to stay long enough to help enough, if I even could.

Enter those supportive friends, a reality check and the simple statement: “You can’t save them all.”

Brings tears to my eyes. Its true and I’m sap for letting it get to me I suppose. But these kids deserve every chance, and it’s not their fault their parents decided to move them into this backwards little town because they were more interested in their own un-taxable income than their children’s education.

I’m dreading the drive back and counting the remaining days of my employment, and yet I’m still stuck with the question of how can I leave them there?

(This reminds me of my classmate who wanted to bring home the gang leader’s child after hearing he went to sleep nightly in a bathtub for safety at the young age of eight.)

I have to do everything I can, but I don’t know if I can give them everything I’ve got, and I don’t know if killing myself for this is going to make anything better, for me or them. But how can I live with myself if I don’t?

I’ve stocked up on the Peanut M&M’s and armed myself with some sour and hot candies for the kids to get us through until the next trip to civilization.

I’m also trying to focus on the little steps. I have a few students that may be eligible for scholarships based on ethnicity, determination and athleticism. I’m hoping to get a few kids inspired to leave this negative, depressing and dead-end place and find their dreams, their ability to achieve their ambition.

I guess it’s time to hunker down and work on my endurance… life’s lessons… I know I can use a little work in that department. To top off my joyous drive home is a storm and freezing rain in the valley of cold, damp, and just shy of a perpetual flood. But I do have my newly rented book on tape from the local library. Too bad I can't hear it over the rain on the windshield.

Lessons learned:

12: If you don’t make very much money, they don’t make you pay very much in taxes... but since they’ve already taken it, I get it back in a nice check and it’s like Christmas. Woo hoo free money… (shh let me revel in my bliss.)

13: Big kids like Easter egg hunts too

14: Jogging for 15 minutes hurts when you've been spending five weeks gaining weight and over 20 sitting around your living room... OUCH!